Thursday, 5 May 2011

It’s all in the dress rehearsal

I'm finding it difficult to find the words to describe the events which have unfolded during the last 48 hours.
Take your worst fear, the thing that scares you most in the world then add to that the feelings of uncertainty, hesitation and indecision then balance that with the knowledge of the new lease of life that is literally within your grasp. Then feel the sinking feeling in the bottom of your stomach when it’s all snatched away and the transplant coordinator says to you “were sorry, but despite the lungs been a perfect match and despite you been perfectly fit enough for surgery the lungs are too big”.
That about sums up the whirl wind of the last 48 hours.
It has been a hard-hitting, very long and drawn out process, and if I'm honest when I was sat waiting for the transplant coordinator 99.9% of me wanted so much for her to say yes but 0.01% of me was so scared, so undecided and so mentally unprepared that I also wanted to hear no not this time. I hope that doesn’t sound selfish to anyone who is reading this.
I'm going to go and relax now, try getting some sleep and try to control the persistent, nagging cough which seems to have developed.  
I'm going to leave you with a verse from a song; I listened to it and can very much relate to it.
“Caterpillar in the tree, how you wonder who you’ll be. Can’t go far but you can always dream. Wish you may and wish you might, don’t you worry hold on tight, and I promise you there will come a day, when the butterfly flies away”.
I sit and wonder every day, dream about the future that’s slipping away from me. Wishing I could have back my life, be able to do everyday tasks without feeling exhausted and fatigued. Then I think about it, I smile and I fully believe I will get my transplant, my life back, my wings to fly.

Goodnight x

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